Happy or Sad?

What's up? How's it going? What's new?

Most people do not expect an honest answer to these questions. They ask the question without really expecting or wanting an answer. And people respond with "great", "fine" or "good". I know I do.

Up until tonight, I thought everything was progressing fine. I was making it though each day. I would answer all these questions with the expected answers. But tonight I put two and two together and realized, maybe everything isn't fine. I think I've been a bit depressed the past few days. I can't convince myself to go to bed at night which makes me tired. I always want to be doing whatever it is I'm not doing. I want to do things that I know I shouldn't be doing. I've got a ton of stuff to do and once I start them, I don't want to finish them and would rather do something else.

I guess realization is the first step. Progression, now that is another story.

Getting Back to Life

Over the past couple weeks, I've been getting back to my normal life again. I'm back to work again. I've started to run again. Although, this took some encouragement from friends to get me back out there. I just didn't have the desire any more. To be honest, I still don't even now. But I do have the urge not to feel fat and exercising is helping that.

At this point, I don't really have any immediate running goals or desires other than trying to get back in shape. I'm kicking around an idea I've thought about in the past. During a recent weekend long run, we saw someone running their age in miles on his birthday. I've considered it before and it hearing about it again got me thinking about it again. So that's one idea. I've also qualified for Boston again and have friends doing the 2009 race. Maybe I'll consider that again. Although, that one might be a bit tough to handle as I was going to have to miss it in 2009 because of Jordan.

I'm just not sure at this point. There are lots of distractions going on right now to include preparing to move into a new house, renting our existing house and everything involved with doing those things. I guess lots of distractions are a good thing. They keep my mind occupied.

Good-bye Jordan

We said good-bye to Jordan today. We put together a nice service today to say good-bye. The pastor led the service and added some great words and scriptures, we read some poems and played a couple songs. It was the perfect way to say good-bye.

I'd like to share the music and poetry that we added to our service so that you can share in how we said good-bye.

"Glory Baby" by Watermark

A Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon,
But every life that ever forms
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was here and swiftly gone,
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on,
And though our arms are empty
Our hearts know what to do,
With every beat within our hearts
We say that we love you.

- Author Unknown -

Precious Child

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

- Karen Taylor-Good -

"With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Good-bye Jordan, our precious, perfect daughter. We will always love and miss you.

As We Prepare to Say Good-bye

We’ll never get to hold you,
Or look upon your face.
We’ll never get to show you,
Our love through our embrace.

We’ll never have the feeling,
Of you calling out to us.
We’ll never know the feeling,
Of you looking up to us.

Why you were taken away from us,
We’ll never really know.
We look around for a sign,
As to why you weren’t to grow.

There is nothing we can do right now
Our minds are an absolute mess.
There is confusion, sadness, sorry,
And anger I must confess.

Our tears can not bring you back,
Back into our world.
You are gone from us on this plain
We’ll meet again I know.

So until that time I'll say to you,
And you must listen to your mommy.
Watch out for us when we come one day,
Your mommy and your daddy.

Cameron Azrael & Krystal Sariel

Found at Angel Babies

A Running Hiatus

It's now been over 2 weeks since I've last run and I do not know when I will get out there again. I was at the end of my taper for the St. George marathon when tragedy struck. I was unable and had absolutely no desire to get out there and pound the pavement. I suspect I will get back out there again some time soon, but it will just be for exercise for now. My goal was to train very hard to PR St. George. It was to be my last marathon in a long time as I took a break to raise my daughter. Neither were allowed. Now I have no goals.

Sadness

I am just so sad. As some of you may know, my wife and I just lost our baby. She was stillborn at 24 weeks. How is this fair? How can some people abuse themselves, doing everything in their power to destroy the life that is growing inside of them and produce a perfectly healthy baby while others who take the best care of themselves, doing everything right, have to suffer the ultimate blow? I just cannot understand. Our future that we were planning and preparing for has suddenly been ripped apart and destroyed. I feel like I haven't smiled in forever and that I may never be happy again. How can this be?

As I continue to struggle with the loss of my daughter, I have found some poems out there that help to express the pain.

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

Author Unknown

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Author Unknown

Oh Father, my father

Close your eyes and feel me near
keep me inside your heart
let me live in your soul
you see through tears
the things we will never do
running across the fields of my youth
games never played
but it is not gone
those dreams you hold so close
for I live on in every child you see
little ones standing alone…lost
or laughing in a playground
swinging so high
touching the tree tops
that is I
wanting just to love
feel my happiness in the song of a bird
see my sorrow in mother
hold her close forever
feeling your strength
for there will be one to come behind me
whether through God's grace or
from a different calling
a child chosen through His hand.
For in darkness, a light will appear
even if it is just the dawn
signaling a new beginning
and as you gather my mother to your heart
release your tears
let the healing begin
and discover that I am here
in your dreams
in your tomorrows.
Every rainbow is the path home
and if you should stumble
I am the wings that shall lift you

Love, Jordan

Author: Theresa Cochrane